Scanner

My new scanner arrived yesterday. There was nothing wrong with my old scanner, other than the complete lack of Vista-compliant drivers. Grrr.

Anyway, with the enthusiasm of a slightly nerdy kid with a new toy, I scanned around a hundred old photos that had been stuffed into a shoebox tucked away in the corner of my wardrobe. Mostly black and white photos from my dad’s travels around Europe, prominently featuring a very cool motorbike, some crazy hairstyles, no small number of dental tragedies and some seriously dubious swimwear. On the men.

I’ll probably put these on Flickr at some point (assuming the swimwear doesn’t breach some sort of decency law). But somehow I felt compelled to share this one. Unfortunately I have no idea exactly where or when it was taken.

Now, I’m no military expect, but those sticky-uppy things between the springboard and the crash mat look to me like rifles with fixed bayonets. Which, I imagine, would be slightly uncomfortable if one were to accidentally to land upon. A bit stabby. It would probably nip a bit. The Health and Safety mob would be all over that like a rash.

Always The Last To Know

Always the last to know. Like in that song by Del Amitri. You can YouTube that if you like, although personally I'd recommend Nothing Ever Happens.

Er, getting back to the point though. Why did no-one tell me about this?

I had an idea that this might not work outside the UK, but I'm reliably informed that it works in Germany, so I guess it works all over the place.

On a vaguely related note, I watched An Education last night, with the BAFTA award winner Carey Mulligan - otherwise known as Sally Sparrow, probably the best companion the Doctor never had. It was great. I'm not going to get the Film 2010 presenter's job, am I?

Oooh, not long till Doctor Who returns. Hurrah.

Sad to hear about Lionel Jeffries, who has died at the age of 83. Which isn’t a bad age.

He appeared in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and directed The Railway Children. Oh, and he was in the Adam Ant video for Puss In Boots.

For me though, he’ll always be remembered as Prison Officer ‘Sour’ Crout in the 1960 movie Two Way Stretch, alongside such British comedy stalwarts as Peter Sellers, Wilfrid Hyde-White, Irene Handl and Liz Fraser. And Bernard Cribbins as Lenny The Dip. For younger viewers, Bernard is now better known as Wilf Mott from Doctor Who.

It's probably wrong that I fancy Liz Fraser. But I do. So there.

Toyotal Recall

If I was writing a clever and witty blog entry about Toyota recalling defective vehicles, that’s the title I’d go for. But I all I’ve got is the title. Better than nothing though, eh?

I’m also working on an idea for a Schwarzengger movie about a man who never forgets a pair of testicles*.

*The working title is Scrotal Recall.

Train Heroes, Part 2

Look at this nice man, who always sits in the disabled seats on the train. What a gentleman!

And this guy, he’s a little ray of sunshine, don’t you think?

This guy is really pushing it.

 

Yeah, that’s right. Make yourself comfortable.

All I’m saying is, if you’re that desperate to sit in a disabled seat, you could at least have the decency to actually be disabled.

Train Heroes

It's nice of the train companies to provide priority seats for disabled passengers. It really is. What's even more heartening is to see those seats being occupied by perfectly able-bodied passengers, even at times when there's no shortage of seats.

These fine people are clearly so firmly committed to equality for the disabled that they're prepared to inconvenience themselves by squeezing into the seats with the extra legroom and the little wheelchair stickers plastered on the wall next to them.

What fine upstanding (and yet downsitting) people.

Gentlemen (and ladies), I salute you.

Firef*x

Every time I open Firefox, this happens:

The lesson is: Never Upgrade.

I should know this by now.

Quiz Night

The Arndeil may be gone, but the legendary Ardneil pub quiz lives on – just not in the Ardneil. The whole thing has moved, lock stock and barrel, to McKay’s.

Same day of the week, same time, same quizmaster, same format, pretty much the same teams. Even the same bar stools.

It might just work. Oh, and we won last night. That won’t last.

Oh yeah, some good news. The toothache has gone. The bad news is that, according to my dentist, it could come back at any time.

The really bad news – I need root canal work. Can’t wait for that.

Sometimes the tooth hurts…

…and other crap dental-related puns.

I’ve been suffering from toothache today, but have found some relief in the form of a tube of anaesthetic gel. Eventually.

I say ‘eventually’ because it took me a ridiculous time to get into the damn thing, due to the curse of over-packaging. If there’s one thing I hate (and there isn’t, there are lots more) – it’s over-packaging.

Getting the box open was easy enough, although I’m still not sure why a tube needs a box.*  OK, to hold the instruction leaflet. I’ll let them off with that.

Instructions for opening the tube. “Remove cap” – Easy enough. Next?

“Cut open tip of tube”. Cut open? That’ll be easy, with scissors, right?

Wrong. In fact, the way I ended up removing the tip of the tube was with – can you guess?

That’s right – my teeth. That’ll help, eh?

*Unless it’s a cathode ray tube. That’s one for the retro TV enthusiasts.

Closing Time

End of an era yesterday. Last day of the Ardneil, and it was fairly horrible.

For a start, the place was full of people who’d otherwise never set foot in the place, if not for the lure of cheap alcohol. It also didn’t help that shortly after 5pm, the beer ran out, meaning we had to turn to ever more unlikely drinks as the evening wore on.

By about 9:15pm I’d had enough* and headed home. On the plus side, I didn’t have the hangover this morning that I had been expecting and which had in fact prompted me to take today off work.

A pretty sad end to a once-great institution, all in all. Ho hum.

*Alcohol, and in general.

This blows

Still only January, but I'll be surprised if this isn't the dumbest thing I see all year...

I Bought WHAT?

Note to self: Stay off eBay when drunk. Seriously. It's all very well buying shiny, new technology, but a Spectrum? Come ON!

Count

A recap.

On Monday night, I attended the theatre, don't you know. Wearing a tie, and everything.

Front row seats, no less. To see a living showbusiness legend, after-dinner speaker, and raconteur of some note. I speak of course of Count Arthur Strong.

For those not familiar with the Count, I could try to describe his act, except for the fact that it is almost impossible to describe. Or at least to do it proper justice.

But here goes. Count Arthur Strong is a fictional, very very minor celebrity with delusions of grandeur, and prone to malapropisms. He is one of those comedy creations that polarises opinions. Love him or hate him. There doesn't appear to be any middle ground. Please note that I have not said the word 'Marmite'. Until now, obviously.

"Count Arthur Strong - The Man Behind The Smile" is a tribute to Count Arthur Strong. Err, by Count Arthur Strong.

There were times in Monday evening's performance when I was almost crying with laughter. My personal highlights were when the Count was edited into clips of old TV shows, including Dixon of Dock Green, and Troughton-era Doctor Who. The only problem with that was, because these scenes were pre-recorded, there weren't long enough pauses for laughter - so many jokes were missed because we were still laughing from the previous one. Or two.

Anyway, if you're interested. YouTube.

Culture

In something of a break with tradition, I'm off to the theatre tonight. And I don't mean an operating theatre, before you ask. An actual theatre with a stage and seats and stuff like that . Anyway, more about that after the event

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Had to happen

So I’ve been working onsite at one of our clients for a week now. Which means having to wear a suit, a tie and smart shoes at all times.

The first stumbling block for me was the shoes. I’ll wear whatever is most comfortable on both my feet. If that turns out to be Cat boots, then so be it.

The suit only lasted for the first two days.

Tomorrow, I’m wearing the South Park tie. And possibly some other clothes.

Last Orders. Ever.

Blimey, it’s the 19th already? How’d that happen? Well, I’ve been busy. No, really, I have. Busy by my standards, at least.

I have some distressing news. Distressing to me, anyway. The Ardneil Hotel, conveniently* situated just across the road, is closing at the end of this month. Permanently.

Although it’s a hotel, the bar is open to non-residents and has been a popular watering hole for as long as most people can remember. You can actually see me in the one of the photos on their website. Well, you can sort of see the side of my head. It’s me though, I promise. Look, that’s me there, see?

It was fortunate that I chose this particular night to attach a large arrow to my head.

But now, due to a combination of factors (including – but not limited to – temperamental chefs, a global recession and piss-poor incompetent management) it’s calling last orders for the final time on Sunday 31st.

Ho hum. I’ve booked the 1st of February as a holiday, because obviously I will be in no fit state to work.

In the meantime, the search for somewhere else to spend time and money continues…

* Perhaps a little too conveniently.

Party’s Over

Taking three weeks off work over Christmas and New Year seemed like quite a good idea. At the time.

Gadget

I love a bit of gadgetry, but this is the gadget I've been dreaming of for... well... years.



It's basically just a hard drive. That you can put movies on. Or TV shows. Or music. Or photos.

And then you can hook it up directly to your TV. And watch all the movies that you illegally downloaded... errr.... I mean, bought on DVD and converted. Yeah, that's what I mean.

The One That Got Away

OK, make that My Top 7 Albums of 2009. I forgot one.

Duke Special – I Never Thought This Day Would Come

YouTube – Diggin’ an Early Grave

What’s the fuss?

I’m still not seeing what the big deal is. It’s January, this is the UK. It’s supposed to be cold. So why is everyone acting like it’s the end of the world? It’s a bit of snow. Get over it.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/8447023.stm

My Top 6 albums of 2009

(couldn’t narrow it down to 5, sorry. anyway, in no particular order…)

Madness – The Liberty of Norton Folgate
 

30-odd years into their career, the still-slightly-Nutty Boys hit the mark with this extended love song to London.

YouTube: Sugar and Spice

 

Mariachi El Bronx – Mariachi El Bronx

Difficult one to explain, this. Ummm… punk band does mariachi. Really well. Unless any mariachi experts say otherwise, of course.

YouTube: Cell Mates

 

Bruce Springsteen – Working on a Dream

His Bossness returns with a companion piece to the previous year’s Magic. While that was largely an anti-Bush rant, this is the optimistic new-era flipside. Sorry for the shit quality of the Outlas Pete video. I recorded it myself at Hampden, oblivious to the massive head of the guy in front of me.

YouTube: Working on a Dream, Kingdom of Days, Outlaw Pete

La Roux – La Roux

Hurrah! It’s the 80’s again!

YouTube: In For The Kill, Bulletproof

 

Echo and the Bunnymen – The Fountain

Hurrah! It’s the 80’s again… oh wait, we did this already.

YouTube: The Fountain

 

Bad Lieutenant – Never Cry Another Tear

Hurrah! It’s the 80’s again… ohhh…. dammit. Bad Lieutentant. Not New Order. Not much…

YouTube: Sink or Swim

AAAAAAAAAAAAmazon

Note to self:

In future, when buying stuff from Amazon, don’t bother to choose the ‘Express Delivery (guaranteed to arrive by whenever)’ option, as it doesn’t appear to make a blind bit of difference. Twice in a row.

UglyBeautiful

Further proof, as if it were needed, that the world is fucked. This is easily the most offensive thing I’ve seen all year. So far.

Movie

So, I had this great idea for a movie. I call it “Meet The Boss”.

He’s the one in the middle.

Eleventh Doctor

Wow. The BBC didn’t waste any time on this one. No sooner had David Tennant’s final scenes as the Doctor aired, than this trailer for the new guy appeared…

Happy New Year

I hope 2010 is a good one for you.

In something of a break with tradition, it’s New Year’s Day and I don’t have a hangover. Not even a trace of one. What I do have though, is a rather nasty cold which prevented me from going out last night and getting hammered.

Never mind, there’s still over a week before I go back to work, which leaves plenty of time to make up for it.

Yeah…

…yeah, I know it’s much too big. Deal with it.

Peace…

…and compliments of the season.

Done And Done

Started, and finished, my Christmas shopping today. Apart from my mum's present, which was delivered a few days ago, and for once is not perfume. It was nice of her to drop a few subtle hints about DAB radios. Subtle as a sledgehammer.

Anyways, I'm off work until January 11th. Did I mention that? January 11th. The 11th of January. That's three weeks.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Rage Against The X Factor

I’ve downloaded my copy* of the Rage Against The Machine single, on the grounds that 29p is a very, very small price to pay in order to annoy Simon Cowell.

If the plan works, that is….

* 2 copies, actually.

5 Years

This time 5 years ago, I was in a much worse place than I am now. I had a whole spiel to go along with this, but... ahhh....

Request

To God, or whoever is in charge these days.

I think two funerals within six weeks is more than enough, particularly when both are for members of the same family. Any chance we could rein it in a little?

Stinkin’ up the Library

Aw, it’s not funny. The poor guy.

The poor, poor, smelly, smelly guy.

Seriously though, there’s no excuse for poor personal hygiene. Personally, I take a shower once a fortnight*, whether I need it or not.

*OK, month. Same difference.

Mr Personality

So, uh, I took Professor Winston’s Big Personality Test today, for fun and kicks.

This probably isn’t good…

Then again, I’m not sure how far I’m willing to trust the judgment of some bloke who goes around looking like Groucho Marx*.

*Unless, of course, he actually is Groucho Marx.

Rain

This should be fun. Train home is 3 carriages, not the usual 6. A bit of rain and everything goes all to hell.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

The C Word

As much as I think that Sting is – by and large – a bit of a twat, I’m finding it hard to disagree with anything he says here.

(Si Si) Je Suis Un Rock Star

Well, not really. But I have been playing a fair bit of the iPhone edition of Rock Band over the last few days. I had my doubts about it at first. Well, how much fun could it be without at least a fake plastic guitar? How wrong can you be? Quite a lot wrong, as it turned out. I played it constantly on the train home every night this week, almost missing my stop one night. And probably looking like a bit of a tit.

I should probably get out a bit more.

For more Rock Band fun, there's also Cartman & Co. with the South Park version of Poker Face.

Greetings From Dublin

I think this is the fanciest hotel I have ever stayed in. Guess which part of the hotel I am in now? That's right - the bar.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Dublin (II)

Off to Dublin tomorrow, which somewhat unfortunately means getting out of bed at, gulp, 4:45am. In the morning. Or more technically, the middle of the night.

Despite that, and the inevitable airport malarkey, I’m looking forward to it. It’ll be nice to get out of the office for a day and a bit, if nothing else.

Come to think of it, this’ll be the first time I’ve flown anywhere since just before the car accident. Coincidentally, that was another trip to Dublin.

Dublin

Off to Dublin on a business trip next week, which will involve an overnight stay. I think the hotel looks just about up to scratch.

A New Image

So, uh, what do we think of the new Doctor Who logo? Not too sure myself. I can’t decide whether the Tardis-shaped DW is clever, or just crap.

Winner

Lunchy Munchy

There's nothing like a good healthy lunch. And that *was* nothing like a good healthy lunch. Pie, chips and beans. And possibly beer.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Also...

...avoiding eye contact with the blind is really not necessary.

Read All About It

With newspaper sales reportedly dwindling, I think I might have the solution. I can't help noticing that as soon as a disabled person gets on to a train where there are no vacant seats, all of a sudden everyone finds their newspaper completely fascinating.

Save Me From The Movies

Yes, I know I’ve already posted part of this, but dammit, it’s worth another spin. Someday Duke Special will be as famous as he should be. Even if I have to scream his name into everyone’s face. And don’t think I wouldn’t.

Move

After months of planning (apparently), we finally move offices tomorrow. We’re not moving far – only two blocks along and one block up from the current office (or bottom right to top left on the map). It’s far enough that I’m going to have start getting an earlier train in the morning, which is mildly annoying.

Still though, it’s a nice shiny new (or newly refurbished) office and probably better in every way the current place. Every way apart from location, of course.

On the plus side, we get a half-day tomorrow while our stuff gets moved.

On the minus side, the stalkers now know where to find me. Oops.

Ooh, almost forgot. We got our access passes for the new building today. They don’t have our photos on yet, so that’s something to look forward to. I do so enjoy being photographed. I am also looking forward to wandering about with a pass attached to a lanyard* hanging round my neck, and not looking in any way like a complete tool.

* Don’t you think lanyard is a rather grand-sounding word for what is basically a bit of string round your neck?

Another One Bites The Dust

I’m going to do you a big favour* here. Don’t say I’m not good to you.

Next time you find yourself competing in a Break-an-iPod contest**, here’s what to do.

1. Connect your iPod to your PC, and leave to charge.
2. Forget that your iPod is connected to your PC for a considerable length of time. 17 hours ought to do it.
3. All of a sudden remember about your iPod.
4. Go back to your iPod, and find it red-hot and with a large black blot obscuring the top right corner of the screen.
5. And you’re done.

*That’s “favour”. The U key is the one between Y and I, America.
**I admit it’s unlikely, but you never know, do you?

Drink!

From the start of September, the licensing laws are changing in these here parts. In an attempt to combat binge drinking, there will be a crackdown on ‘irresponsible’ drinks promotions.

That means you can’t have traditional Happy Hours any more. Any temporary reduction in the price of alcohol will now have to last a minimum of 72 hours. So instead of a Happy Hour, it’ll be Happy 72 Hours.

Er, how’s that going to help?

True (ish)

From my own personal experience, there’s some truth in this – although it varies dramatically from hospital to hospital…

Separated at birth

I’m glad this video exists, if only to prove that Duke Special and Tim Minchin have been seen together in the same room, and that they really are two people. And not one.

Swine Flu

Well, no, it’s probably not, but it has kept me off work for the past couple of days, and on the plus side has given me a chance to catch up on some really important stuff. Like watching loads of Tom Baker-era episodes of Doctor Who, and watching the final few episodes of Reaper and Pushing Daisies – both of which have been, somewhat annoyingly, cancelled. Swines.*

*Or should that just be ‘swine’?

We Are Klang

It’s been a long time since anything made me cry with laughter. This is what tipped me over the edge.

An awful lot of running

I think this is the best thing I’ve seen on YouTube. For some reason it made me realise how much I’m going to miss David Tennant when he hangs up the keys to the Tardis. He’s my favourite doctor since Tom Baker.

Anyway, this is great.

Job

After months of deliberation, the company has told everyone what their new, revised, and brought-into-line-with-company-standards job titles will be. Mine is Software Developer, which is exactly what it was before. Well worth the wait, then.

Talking of job titles, apparently the nice people at Subway are Sandwich Artists. Some of them fancy themselves as Picasso, if the state of my lunch is anything to go by.

In which case, I should probably be a Software Artist.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Tutti Frutti

So. Much to my surprise, only a minimal amount of shit had hit a relatively small number of fans in my absence.

Enough of that.

My big news is that my DVD of Tutti Frutti is due to arrive on Monday. 22 years after its original showing on TV, they've finally got around to putting it out on DVD. As far as I can recall, it was shown once and never repeated, which is quite galling when you see the shit that the BBC is happy to repeat again and again and again (ad infinitum/nauseam).

I (not entirely legally) downloaded Tutti Frutti last year, but it was a massively dodgy copy of a VHS tape that someone recorded off the TV. I can't wait to see it again.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o

Back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. Can’t wait to see how much shit has hit the fan while I’ve been away.

Actually, I can wait.

It’s YouTube, you tube

I’m not sure how it slipped under my radar that one of my favourite male singers and one of my favourite female singers had performed a duet. But obviously, they did.

I’ve loved her voice since the first time I heard it, 20-odd years ago, but I’ve never seen her look quite so, uh, well, hot as she does here.

Max (again)

Just while I remember, this is a photo I took of Max around 6 or 7 years ago. I printed it at the time, but that's faded quite badly. Luckily the digital copy has survived through 2 or 3 computer upgrades. No harm in posting it here as a backup though.

I tried to get him to pose nicely for the camera, but he wasn't having any of it.

E Street Band

Last night was the fourth time I've seen Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band live in concert, and I reckon easily the best. The fact that it was in Glasgow probably had a lot to do with that. There's also the fact the Bruce and the band are currently on spectacular form, in particular the man himself displaying incredible levels of energy - incredible for anyone, let alone a man pushing 60.

The sound quality was great too, a noticeable improvement over last year's show in Manchester. Oh yeah, and the seats at Hampden are way more comfortable than those at Old Trafford - not that I spent much time in mine. It also helped that it didn't rain the whole time - just part of the time.

As for the music, the set lasted almost three hours, with songs spanning the last 36 years of Bruce's career (you can see the setlist here), not to mention the opening Flower of Scotland. They played all the songs I was hoping to hear (and more), including Outlaw Pete - which may be as corny as a massive bucket of corn, but still makes for a great live track. There was also the now customary request slot, the sign requesting Incident On 57th Street was large enough for Bruce to hide behind (as he proved).

And one young girl now has a story she can probably dine out on for years to come...

All in all, a great night. I just hope they don't leave it another 28 years before coming back to Scotland.

Bruce

I am here

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Max

Slightly crap quality, but I only had my phone at hand...

How did it come to this?

Sometimes I wonder what's happened to this country. What's happened to the children - and they are children - of this country? Maybe it's rose-tinted spectacles time, but I'm fairly sure that when I was at school, the worst damage most kids inflicted on each other was the flicking of an elastic band towards the buttock region.

My 'favourite' part of this is "Samantha Jones admitted setting a trap for Shakilus, but said she thought he was only going to be beaten up".

Oh well, that's alright then.

Living in the 80's

Quiz night again at the pub. Round 4 was all about 80s pop music.

I'm not sure what it says about me that I had every answer written down before any of my teammates had a chance to put forward their suggestions.

Nothing good, probably.

Bulletproof

I'm loving this. Probably because it reminds me of any number of 80's tracks.

O'Really?

I checked the calendar. It is not April 1st.

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2009/0706/breaking41.htm

Hurrah

My Springsteen tickets have (finally) arrived. More than a week before the actual concert - I think that may be a record by Ticketmaster standards.

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Jacko

Just a thought. If anything good comes out of Michael Jackson's death, it might be that a number of those eBay ticket scalpers will be seriously screwed now.

iPhone

I've had my iPhone for about a month now, which I think is long enough to give a measured, considered opinion.

I fucking love it.

It can tell me where in the world I am, show me that location on a map, tell me where to find the nearest bar, pharmacy, cinema or restaurant. It can tell me if my train is going to be on time (although, to be fair, they could leave that permanently set to 'NO'). I can watch TV shows and movies on it, or listen to the radio or any number of podcasts or audiobooks. I can check the weather forecast for my local area (although, to be fair, they could leave that permanently set to 'RAIN'). I can post blog entries from it, and show my location at the time of doing so*. I can listen to music or ambient noise, check the news headlines, play games, chat with people on Yahoo, MSN and ICQ**. I can even connect to my computer at work to do... uh... more work... if I wanted to. Brace yourself now. I can even use it to make phone calls.

In fact, the only gripe I've had with it was the lack of a facility to forward text messages*** - something which even the most bog-standard phone can do. Fortunately with the new version 3.0 software release, they've fixed. Hurrah.

The only fly in the ointment here is the arrival of the new iPhone3Gs. Just for once I'd like to buy a gadget with a written**** guarantee that there won't be a better one for at least six months.

* Although I'm still questioning the wisdom of this.
** Anyone still use ICQ?
*** OK, that and the piss-poor battery life.
**** In blood, preferably

Three Years

Three years to the day since I got out of the you-know-where. And yes, it does seem like a different lifetime.

Four Seasons In One Day

Dear Weather,

Just a suggestion for you to mull over. Perhaps you could pick one thing for the day, and then stick with it?

Yours insincerely

Al (big)

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

iPhone Test

I'm just testing out blogging directly from my iPhone (of which more later)

Geolocate this post.

Posted with LifeCast

Best Episode Ever

Funny. Sexy. Exciting. Moving. Are you sure this a Star Trek movie?

Apparently, yes. And what a Star Trek movie. I don't even know where to start. It rocked.

I have to mention Simon Pegg's Scotty, who got some of the best lines. "Get tae f.... shut up". Bones, though, got to say, "Are you outta your Vulcan mind?".

And not one, but two Spocks*. Young Spock (Zachary "Sylar" Quinto) and Old Spock (Leonard "Spock" Nimoy).

So, when's the sequel?


*OK, actually three if you count the child Spock

Swine Flu

"How can we avoid a swine flu pandemic?" asks the BBC news feed.

Easily. Because there isn't going to be a swine flu pandemic. Next question?

LL and P

Always wondered how I'd look as a Vulcan.

I didn't really.

Working from home (ish)

Like all Mondays, I was working from home yesterday. Or rather, working from the garden for most of the afternoon. Wireless internet is a wonderful thing. I felt compelled to let a couple of the people in the office know that I was working from the garden. By one of those strange coincidences, they both called me the exact same thing.

Book by cover

Watch this first.

My initial thought was, how brilliant to see the smugness wiped instantly from the faces of Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. And it was nice how the judges all heaped praised upon Susan after she finished singing.

The problem I have is this. The judges, and (from the look of it) the audience* all had to pick their jaws up off the floor when Susan started to sing. As if it was somehow inconceivable for someone who's not a classic beauty (I'm trying to be diplomatic here) to have a beautiful voice.

So what initially sounded like compliments came off sounding quite insulting.

* Look at the girl in the audience just after Susan says "I'm trying to be a professional singer".

Nervy

Tomorrow (actually later today) I'm installing a client system. This is something I've done loads of times before, but I've never been more nervous at the prospect. I've installed loads of systems over the last year - but there's a crucial difference here. All the systems I've installed since my return to work (in September 2006) have been done remotely - which means I send them the install files the day before the install, then I dial into their network and put all the files into the right place (hopefully).

But tomorrow (today) I actually have to show up - in person - and do more or less the same thing. Now that I've typed that out, it doesn't sound like such a big deal. But it means that if something fucks up I have to look people in the eye whilst trying to concoct my excuses. It also means having to wear a suit. And a tie. And trying not to scream out a volley of extremely rude words any time something goes a little bit wrong. And wearing a tie. And a suit. And wearing a tie. And trying not to say fuck in front of clients. And wearing a tie.

I think it's the tie thing that's bothering me the most. It's just not natural, a bit of cloth around ones neck cutting off the blood supply to ones eyeballs. I've never been comfortable wearing a tie. Or a suit, for that matter. The suit might fit, but it just doesn't fit. I think what I'm trying to say is this - anytime I dress up (and I do consider it 'dressing up') in a suit and tie, I feel a fraud. It's not me. I have no business wearing this sort of stuff. That's what "professional" people wear. You see these people strutting around the place, looking all confident in their suits - almost as if they were born in them, and it's the most natural thing in the world. But it's just not me.

A suit does not suit me. Or I don't suit a suit. It's one of the two. Or both.

This has been a wee bit ramble-y. Sorry about that. We won the pub quiz tonight, scoring 89 points out of a possible 100. That means we've won 5 times out of 12 so far this year. Scoring 963 points over 12 weeks, giving us a weekly average of 80.25. Which is impressive. But not quite impressive enough to take my mind off of having to wear a tie tomorrow (today).

Bedtime.

Don't drink out-of-date beer.

No, really. Don't.

Worst After

Just so you know, and as a reminder to myself, drinking out-of-date beer is probably not the best idea.

Best Before

Hmmm. Just found a few cans of beer in the cupboard under the stairs. There's a best before date on the bottom of the cans - 30/09/08 (or 09/30/08 for you crazy Americans). It's the only beer left in the house, and I really can't be bothered to go out, so I'm going to risk it. What's the worst that could happen? Anyways, it's only a 'best before' date, not a 'use by' date. So it should be fine. Well, we're about to find out.

About A Boy (named Stuart)

This whole thing creeped me out just a little bit. It concerns a dream that I had last night. And yes, I know that there's nothing more awful than listening to other peoples' dreams.

But last night I had a rather strange dream, about a boy named Stuart. Stuart was a boy from my class in primary school, but only joined my class towards the end of our primary school days. Maybe when we were about 11. I haven't seen Stuart since we were 12 or maybe 13. Which is quite a long time ago now.

In the dream, Stuart showed up in the Ardneil - the bar where I spend my Friday and Saturday nights. This evening, after several beers in the Ardneil, I went to... uh... take a piss. The fellow at the adjacent urinal says "Hi Alastair*". It takes me a moment to realise, but, yes it's Stuart. I'm flattered that he recognised me, and it's always grand to see an old classmate. But the whole thing is just a little bit strange. One night I was dreaming about a fellow who I haven't seen in over 30 years appearing in the pub I frequent, and the next night.... there he was.

* For 'tis my name

It's Not OK

And the award for the Most Tasteless Tribute of... well.. ever... goes to OK! magazine for their Jade Goody Official Tribute Issue, featuring the legends "In Loving Memory" and "1981-2009" on the cover, and promising exclusive coverage of Jade's "Final Words".

This could be considered to be jumping the gun a tad, given that she isn't actually dead yet.*

* Correct at time of writing

Top O' The Mornin'

Happy St Patrick's Day - No Guinness for me, though. I still have the scar from Hogmanay. Anyway, this post is basically an excuse to use the 30 Rock quote (below).















"Passing out? And cursing? On St. Patrick's Day? Is nothing sacred?"

Ned

I think this is easily the funniest thing I've seen on The Simpsons in quite a long while...

Bruce

Got my tickets booked this morning for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band at Glasgow's Hampden Park in July. Seeing as how it's 13 years since Bruce last played in Scotland (and something like 28 years since he did so with the E Street Band), this is one I don't want to miss. And the fact that it's just along the road (relatively speaking) is quite appealing too.

Working from home

Or at least, I would be, if only I could connect to the office network. Which, as of around 9:40 this morning, I can't. So I'm not. Ho hum. Isn't technology great?

Best T-Shirt Ever

I hope they get this back in stock soon. I want one!

(If the above makes no sense, this might help).

I'm mildly amused that Amazon felt the need to flag this up.

iBlog

I've just spent the last hour arranging the app icons on my iPod Touch into alphabetical order. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I did that, or that I'm writing about it now.

Blame Ringo

Admit it. You'd do it too if you were there. Yes you would. You know you would.

Grrr

I am getting really fucking tired of being Rickrolled. Seriously, stop it.

The Most Brilliant Invention In The World Ever*

This arrived today. I'm an 80's teen, and as such I have quite a stack of VHS tapes gathering dust in various corners of the abode. I also have a strong aversion to chucking stuff out. If only there was some way of transferring all those old VHS tapes onto the computer or DVD. But wait. Here it is. The only downside is that it transfers videos in real time. So, if the show you're transferring lasts 30 minutes, it takes 30 minutes to convert. On the plus side, I rediscovered a recording of Sophie's Choice that I didn't know I had.

*After the iPod.

Welcome to Rip-off Britain (Episode 4392)

British rail fares are the highest in Europe. Anyone surprised by that? Show of hands? No-one? Thought not.

Hospital

Was in Edinburgh today for a hospital appointment - really just a check-up to make sure everything's OK with my ankle, which it is. They reckon I'll probably need a hip replacement at some point, but that's hardly news to me. In fact, shortly after my accident I was told I'd probably need it done within 1 to 2 years - and that was almost 5 years ago. I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea. At the moment though, it's not causing me any significant pain or discomfort, so I'm happy to leave well alone for the time being.

This also means that I won't be attending the hospital for check-ups any more, which is good news. I wasn't entirely thrilled at having to take an entire (unpaid) day off work for a 10-minute appointment (plus a 3.5 hour round-trip and a 1.5 hour wait in the hospital). I don't mind taking the time off work; it's the 'unpaid' part that bothers me. Frickin' company policies. But that's another story...

Oh No!

I've been enjoying a little bit of retro-gaming lately, mostly through the wonders of Steam, but over the last couple of days I've been reliving my childhood* thanks to this online version of the wonderful Lemmings.

*OK, early-twenties-hood, if you're going to nitpick.

DNA Test

There might be something in it. Maybe.



You are an Analyst

Your attention to detail, confidence, sense of order, and focus on functionality combine to make you an ANALYST.

You are very curious about how things work, delving into the mechanics behind things.

Along those lines, how well something works is usually more important to you than what it looks like.

You find beauty and wonder mainly in concrete, functional, earthly things.

You are very aware of your own abilities, and you believe that you will find the best way of doing things.

Accordingly, problems do not intimidate you, as you believe in yourself.

You trust yourself to find solutions within the boundaries of your knowledge.

You don't spend a lot of time imagining how things could be different—you're well-grounded in the here-and-now.

It is important for you to follow a routine, and you prefer the familiar to the unknown.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You are Reserved

You are RESERVED – you aren't someone who always needs to have others around, and you find you can handle most situations on your own.

You can be very happy spending time alone, and enjoy your own thoughts and ideas.

You find it difficult to understand why some people get so emotional and tell everyone else their problems.

You believe that if you want to get something done, it is best to do it yourself.

In your experience, other people are not always completely dependable, so you generally rely on yourself and only a few close others.

Despite your independence, you are not a closed-minded person who makes hasty judgments about others. You know that it isn't always easy to walk in other people's shoes.

At times other people's feelings are puzzling to you, and you wish that people were more rational.

Your vision of the world is complex – your values are not set in stone. Instead, you are able to change your beliefs as you learn new information.

It's Snowing Out There

It's February. It's Scotland. It's snowing. Well, duh.

Wankshop, Part 2

I was right. It was totally wanky, and pretty much a waste of time. As compensation, I am working from home tomorrow. Woohoo!

Wankshop

So tomorrow I have to attend something that glories under the name of A Culture Workshop. A combination of words that sets my hackles rising. I think it's the word Workshop that gets on my nerves the most. It just sounds like... well... a big old pile of wank. I'll report back on this, but my prediction is this: It will be a big old pile of time-wasting wank.