You'd think, after 18 months of being cooped up indoors for at least 23 hours a day, I'd want to spend as much time outdoors as possible. Especially now that we're enjoying a spell of unScottishly good weather. Well, I gave it a shot. Really I did. But the trouble with The Outdoors is, it doesn't have all the great stuff that makes indoors so much more interesting. TV, computers, music - all that kind of thing*.
I used to love The Outdoors, but now it leaves me with a hankering for distractions. I tried reading a book, but I kept getting paper-blindness. Y'know... like snow-blindness, only with paper instead of snow. And don't suggest wearing sunglasses - all they do is give you sunglass-shaped tan-lines, giving you the appearance of a - for want of a better word - twat. To add insult to injury, it was a really bad book. Unfortunately, I can't blame The Outdoors for that**.
Even worse, The Outdoors has wasps. Lots and lots of the bastards. I wouldn't mind quite so much if I could at least run away from them, but in my present condition that's not an option. Just so you know, my fear of wasps is second only to my fear of dentists, but not by much. I have tried, on numerous occasions, screaming 'f*ck off!' at them, but they never listen. The wasps that is, not dentists. It's quite difficult to scream anything at someone when they have your mouth forced wide open whilst they poke around in there with their terrifying-looking apparatus, and then ask you to spit. I am still talking about dentists, lest there be any doubt.
In short, I'm staying indoors from now on.
* Conveniently ignoring laptops and iPods, as they bugger up the whole argument.
** At least not yet. But if I think of anything, I might give it a try later.
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